Sunday, November 21, 2010
part 6
When Black Bear and Jimmy entered the conference room they found the other members of the team, and Gypsum. “What happened to Jimmy?” said the Captain. “We were found by a few of their guards who took down Jimmy.” Said Black Bear. “Well we don’t have time to help him now we have to go I don’t think they know that we are here. Let’s go” Said the Captain, as the alarms went off. And a male voice came over the loud speaker and said. “Code 9 intruders in the conference room this is not a drill repeat this is not a drill.” “well looks like we are going to have to do this my way” said the captain as he dropped two guards that had been close when the alarm had gone off, and walk out of the room followed by the other 8. The small party soon came upon a small but vary secure looking door, no doubt the way out of the underground base, with a small computer panel to the side of it. “Okay everyone get out of my way so I can unlock this thing.” Said Gypsum hooking a small laptop up to the circuit board. “well how do you expect to open it with a lap top.” Said lucky. “I’m a computer expert I have hacked into some of the largest company’s in this world just for the fun of it Mr. Mayborn.” Said Gypsum with a smile. “How did…” Lucky was cut off by the light on the circuit board turning from red to green with a buzz and Gypsum’s victories laugh.
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Well Its a bit confusing can't find part 1. oh well You have some interesting caracters here. I would sugjest that you work on your quotes a bit try making the captain a little funnier. Then he could be like a comic relief and might make conversations flow a little better, right now it feels like their is a lot of dead space. I've tried writing a book before and i failed horibly I tend to over look detail because "I" can see the details in my head so I don't comunicate them well. Hope this helped
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