Friday, October 29, 2010
part 4
As the elevator doors opened a woman in full combat armor was standing in front of them. ”well it’s about time I’ve been waiting here for the past five minutes, I even took out these two.” Said Gypsum pointing over her shoulder at two men hanging by their broken necks in the ceiling. “Well let’s get back to the others.” Said The Captain heading back to the elevator. “ where the hell were you and who is this very fine looking lady.” Said lucky. Gypsum just smiled and punched him in the face. “good you got it open.” said The Captain walking through the steel door. The three men that were unlocking the door stared at the object in awe the other three just looked at it like it was an everyday object, and for them it is after all this object is what powers hyper speed engines to The Captain’s Drue’cilion star destroyer the Valmon. When Gypsum went to go retrieve the power module lucky grabbed her arm and said “hey you can’t touch that you don’t know what it’ll do. Again Gypsum smiled and punched him in the face. Then took the object and put it in a bag at her side. “let’s go Captain we will be noticed soon if not already.” Said Gypsum walking out of the room.
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Slow the story down. You're trying really hard to make it interesting to read by having the story start off and continue to be very 'intense' the entire time. You should start to think more about the structure of individual scenes instead of the plot as a whole. When you think about the plot as a whole you fail to describe the current setting in enough detail. Your story seems like it could have a really cool set of characters - you just need to take the time to make it work.
ReplyDeleteYou should consider formatting it correctly for dialogue. Adding each piece of dialogue to it's own paragraph will make the story much easier to read and edit and will help the general flow.
Is that a decent enough review for you? Haha.
You should enable anonymous comments and get rid of the confirmation captcha. The captcha is the phrase commenters are forced to type for every comment to prove that they aren't spamming.